SERVER OF THE APES

ALRIGHT. THERE’S SOUTH AMERICANS EVERYWHERE. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I’VE EVEN HAD AN APE PERUVIAN ASK ME IF I WAS ONE OF THEM. WHAT A FUCKING HORRIFIC THOUGHT.

These fucking primates are getting out of control on US East. What do these sweaty fat nerds bring to the game other than garbage gameplay and monkey language? I don’t want to see monkeys in my game, but clearly fat gabe wants it that way. I bet if you ran the DNA of these mongoloids alongside that of a fucking ape, you’d get a 100% match. I’m convinced at this point. What other explanation is there that these South American fucks manage to be complete shitcans every single game without fail?

But it is not only the South American Shitcan Ape that resides in the US East servers, there is also the slightly less abundant Garbage Redditor Ape. These Garbage Redditor Apes will talk about small son item builds and stupid fucking shit that they saw on reddit that should never be mentioned in a real game (lel tusk so good :PPP SNOWBALL WHAT A SPELL XD blink dagger :PPP HOLY SHIT WHAT A GAME). Some experts have even gone as far to say that the Garbage Redditor Ape may in fact be more dangerous than the South American Shitcan Ape.

It’s not just me that’s suffering from the infestation, it’s all of you aswell. My good friend Lightknight69 is one of the few people who recognizes the scale of the problem. Today I noticed that his rating had plummeted from 5700 to 5100 in an extremely short amount of time.

At first, I thought it was just Lightknight’s rampant autism getting the better of him (as it does), but what he told me was much, much worse.

THESE FUCKING LOCUSTS ARE PLAGUING OUR SERVERS. WE MUST UNITE AGAINST THESE APES. DON’T STAND FOR ‘JAJAJA CONCHATUMADRE’ IN ALL CHAT OR SOME NASALLY VOICED NERD TALKING ABOUT NECROPHOS HAVING A NEAR 60% WINRATE. TEACH THOSE MONKEYFUCKS A LESSON AND FLAME THE FUCK OUT OF THEM/TAKE A GIANT FUCKING SHIT ON THEM IN THE MID LANE IF THEY’RE ON THE ENEMY TEAM.

STREAM COMING SOON, PROBABLY SOME TIME TODAY.

SPOOGE OUT.

Valve are fucking disgusting.

So first off, Valve implements the fucking mute system. I’ve been a frequent victim of said mute system. Valve, how do misbehaving, tantrum throwing kids react when you tell them off nicely? When you ask them politely to ‘stop it’? They keep on doing it. They don’t give a fuck.

But if you take those kids and you fucking GRILL THOSE LITTLE FUCKS AND SMACK THEM AROUND A FEW TIMES THEY STOP THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY.

It’s the exact same shit with dota players. These fucking 4k trashcans won’t stop being bad unless they get flamed. They need to be told that they are true garbage at this game to realize ‘Hey, I’m an absolute shitcan player. Maybe I need to stop being such a Peruvian do-nothing doom picker and get good?’.

So, what happened you might be thinking? This is what happened.

FUCKING FAT GABE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Muting me wasn’t enough? Is the fucking ‘> Well Played!’ spam hurting these kiddies feelings now? Let’s take a look at what got me this retarded ‘punishment’.

Surely muting alone stops me doing this? Even though you shouldn’t be trying to stop me doing it in the first place.

This game is becoming seriously fucking carebear. Doesn’t anyone at Valve realise flame is good for the community? It makes people strive to get better. No one good cares about kiddies/peruvians being mad cause bad. Everyone gets flamed, even me the LORD OF THE 4K’s, but the harsh criticism sticks in our mind and makes us remember the times when we were no good. Step it up, Valve.

In my next post, I’ll explain why Techies are the best hero for shit talking and manner pausing, and why 90% of Tinker pickers are Peruvians.

Spooge

How to get 5k – A guide by Loves2spooge

Whats up kiddos. Most of you know me by Loves2spooge, but some may know me as: Kenino, Pillsbury Dope Boy, H. R. Paper Stacks and LORD OF THE 4K’s.

So since the slob KingRaven wiped himself off the face of the map, I’ve been getting to work on my mmr. I’m gonna let you little nerds in on some of my secrets on how I got 5k solo rating, so you too can stop being a small son.

Basically, ignore all that fucking shit that 3k dumpsters on Reddit say. There’s no two ways about it, without a doubt the quickest way to raise your mmr is get good at mid and spam it. To add to this, don’t pick a fucking garbage mid. You need to pick a hero that has impact at all stages of the game, don’t pick Pudge/Puck/QoP and expect to win. This basically means you gotta pick fucking TA, Storm, Razor, Viper. Don’t pick the last two if you don’t intend to kill yourself because of boredom.

If you let these fucking terrible 4k shitlord peruvians take mid (and all the other core roles for that matter), you’re dancing with the devil and you know it. You’re on support, yeah maybe you can make a huge impact early game, but at some point later on, this game is passed into the hands of Peru. And how’s Peru doing? Pretty fucking garbage country if you ask me. If you go mid, you’re taking control of your early game, your mid and your lategame. Heed my words baddies.

You think that shit’s fucking luck kiddo? Nah son. That shit’s called being fucking good at the game and hauling your ass down mid and COMPLETELY SHITCANNING ANY FUCKING NERD WHO STANDS IN YOUR WAY.

LOOK HERE BADDIE, IT NEEDS TO BE STATED: DON’T GO MID UNLESS YOU’RE GOOD. LITTLE PERUVIAN NERDS THINK THAT THEY’RE GOOD AND DESERVE TO BE 5K SO THEY PICK TINKER AND DO NOTHING BUT FEED HABITUALLY. IF YOU WANT THIS GUIDE TO WORK, YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO PLAY MID WELL. GO PLAY SOME UNRANKED OR SOME 1V1. IT’S BEEN SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN, BUT YOU 4K SHITCANS NEED TO GIT GUD.

JUST BECAUSE YOU RUN DOWN MID LIKE A PERUVIAN SHITCAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL GAIN MMR. Make sure you’re actually good at the mid you’re picking. Don’t be like the fucking Peruvians and feed mid cause you can’t play the damn hero.

Now, you could be a disgusting fucking nerd and pick broken op shit like Faceless Void, Razor, Doom etc. But let it be known that if you truly are a 4k shitcan (which you probably are), it’s unlikely to save you. This Peruvian void learned that the hard way.

This isn’t to say it’s not possible to raise your mmr from other positions. If you can play offlane well, and you play something like Tide, Legion, Clockwerk, Bristle, you can win alot of games. Safelane carry and support are joint bottom for game impact (and in turn winning solo games) depending on what you pick.

If you pick a high impact support like Skywrath, Shadow Shaman or Sand King you can win games. However if you pick something garbage like a fucking Lina you’re gonna have a tough time.

With carries, this line is much thicker. You can go ahead and pick some do-nothing like Spectre or Medusa, and make games hard as fuck for yourself – or you can pick some do-shit hero like Faceless Void (broken as fuck), Wraith King (broken) or some Mek rush hero like Razor (broken as shit).

What you small sons have to accept is that these 4k kiddies are bad. They will do everything in their power to lose the game. You have to realize that the only way you can climb is by climbing yourself. No one else is gonna help you kiddo, you’re on your own. These fucking bad kids will lose mid, they will feed, they will play so bad that it will impress you rather than make you mad.

That reminds me, Reddit is wrong yet again (surprise surprise 3k shitters who know nothing about the game and circlejerk each other are wrong) about flaming being detrimental. That shit gets you hyped up and ready to win. I flame like a motherfucker, both my team and the other team. I BM pause nearly every damn game. Remember the other team are also 4k shitcans who would lose you games if they were on your team.

VIPER VS TA MID? NOT EVEN A PROBLEM AGAINST 4K SHITLORDS.

Even 6k players can’t hold back the LORD OF THE 4K’s from smashing his way up the ladder.

As soon as I took matters into my own hands and started busting out the biggest Templar Assassin the 4k shitlords had ever seen I fucking hit 5k at lightspeed. My winrate with TA is 67% after 124 games and with Storm it’s 67% after 39 games. Just stop appeasing these fucking 4k trash collectors and last picking support for them while they pick tinker, furion, am and proceed to type monkey language all game. Pick heroes you know you’re good at, preferably mid heroes, and fucking slam a leash around the necks of your teammates and wrangle them all game them. Keep those kiddies under control.

To summarize, git gud small sons.

Spooge aka LORD OF THE 4K’s, find me at http://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198086593011/ if u have any questions.

daggius goaltending SHOWCASE

Why you should always troll online

abe

Kids, I blog to you today with this fine quote from a very fine man indeed.  This philosophy about life (contained in the above quote) makes very good sense in the real world.  Treating other people well, giving to them, sharing with them, its all awesome.  It makes them feel good, it makes you feel good, it enriches your life.

Bill Clinton was recently interviewed by Stephen Colbert who asked why does Bill spend so much time traveling and trying to start organizations and raise awareness and keep trying to change the world and improve peoples life?  Why doesn’t he just fuckin relax and play some golf like a normal retired old person and play with his shitloads of money and go on crazy vacations and shit?  Bill’s answer: because he’s selfish.  Doing good and helping people makes him feel good.  People are stoked as hell when they meet an ex president and they go crazy and love it.  That makes him feel good.  So you see, even if you’re just doing it to be selfish, being a good person in real life just fucking makes sense, because it makes you feel good!  Being selfless and selfish are pretty much the same thing.

However, I feel the same does not apply to the online world.  If I were to make my own quote in the online world, it would go like this:

When I troll, I feel good.  That’s my religion.

Really, this uptight oversensitivity in the SC2 and Dota 2 communities where people jump to cry “bm”, its beyond stupid.  Mannering up is fucking boring.

When you troll, you add value to the interaction.  Here are a bunch of quiet nerds trying to waste time on a game and you’re challenging their values and beliefs, you’re getting an actual response out of them instead of just quietly watching them play out their boring builds and strats.

When you troll, the game is different every time.  You’re playing the person, not the game.  It’s a whole game within the game, pissing people off, seeing what their reaction will be to whatever you come up with.  It’s creative.  Its challenging.

This is my last post about it I swear, but crying about manners is the worst.  As Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his 6 Rules of Success: “Break the Rules.”  Piss people off.  Challenge them.  Makes life more interesting.

 

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