Move over small splooge son, big dog is here

Small no name fat kids, it’s time we take a bit of a peek at this big time game here:

Nothing better to ring the 5k bracket in than a big fucking sand king game, which features first blood 2 minutes in on an Ember spirit to basically was told to get good. Game progresses to slams the size of Daggius’ retirement pension from mom and dad, followed by a brief feeding. I read barcode’s jugg (see what I did there?) into some galactic slams, followed by Euro crying.

Overall, bringing in 5k with Sand King is like that New Years you plan all year with your friends. You knew how it’d turn out, you had the outfit picked, your best friends on speed dial (your imaginary friends). One day I may stream again, but thought I’d let you slobby newbs know about this huge milestone.


Q&A

How did you get to 5k?
Because I’m good and you’re not.

What does it feel like?
Feels like you’re on top of the world.

Why am I bad?
Because you still read this site.

Is Daggius dead?
No, just realized he wasn’t any good. Realizing the retirement home was inevitable, DAggius decided to just be small, install Starcraft and play some junk game no one cares about.

Dumpy Publics: Know Your Place

So me and spooge kid were trying to play in this awful shitcan matchmaking. Of course it’s gonna give us a team full of 4ks who have the carrying capacity of a wet paper bag. Now, anyone who’s halfway decent at the game knows that if you just pick a bunch of supports for your 5ks and suck their dick all game you basically autowin. But of course, there’s always some dumb 4k who can’t shut up and pick a support, they gotta show off their GRAPE level carrying. Here we had some dumb potm “roaming” (aka supporting every lane except the one which was actually important). But hey, leaving your #1 against the enemy #1 jugg and a visage is fine, at least you landed some arrows on their pudge!

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Happens game after game, eventually we just get tired of tipping the barstool and threw it straight out the window after we got the SAME FUCKING 4KS who REFUSED TO PICK SUPPORTS on our team. I dusted off my tactics that I use to get 1 mmr accounts, i.e. pick furion, buy courier, TP into enemy base to feed FB+Courier:

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It just so happens that the 4500 that we were tossing on managed to die 3 times in a 1v1 lane against a doom before level 6.

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We also learned that, as expected, half the dota 2 population is too idiotic to know the difference between a party MMR and a solo MMR.

And then, by some stroke of sheer luck, we actually managed to get 4ks who wanted to win and they picked supports+an initiator. Now, when a good player is placed into a game with a bunch of small publics, they’re going to steamroll as long as their supports don’t completely drop the ball. The result here was 100% predictable:

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This was even a +34 which means we were heavily favored to lose. Yet the pubs fell in line and the game was ridiculously easy.

I do have to say, having separate solo and party MMR was one thing Valve did right. You can do whatever you want without it affecting your real MMR.

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: In a game with 5ks, 4ks stay off cores. It’s THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. If you just pick easy supports when you’re clearly outclassed by your team, you’ll win more. That’s all there is to it. No, you aren’t “stuck”, there’s no “elo hell”, you’re not going to go mid and carry the game when the enemy mid is legitimately good and you’re some delusional Dunning-Kruger kid who thinks “lolz but dragonfist picks TA every game and he’s 7.4k obviously I should do the same surely the fact that I’m low 4k is my team’s fault every game”. Know your place, pick supports.

I’M A HIGHER RANK THAN YOU!!!!!!!~~~~!!!!!

I made that the title to keep in theme with all the really bitchy and unfunny things that have been posted here recently. I notice crying over MMR, which, despite what you might think, Is just a number. People in dota are never awarded or Penalized for individual performance, so it is not, and will never be an accurate representation of any ones skill.

The second point I noticed was complaining over getting Low priority for being a jerk in game. This part really is baffling, because I frankly didn’t think it was possible. I’ve typed my fair share of racist things in chat, sure. I use the word Tranny very frequently. I even post links to nudes of myself in game chat, quite often too, and yet I have received no punishment. At what point do you actually take a punishment, and try to better yourself from it? It should be immediately, but not with some of you degenerates.

Also Dota’s kinda shitty and weird now, You kids should play some CS:GO where individual performance does impact ranking.

Zealot Hockey Stream Live 5 days a week

Sup boys hope you have been enjoying spooge’s stream and big posts lately.  In case you are still needing another stream to fill the void, check this out: twitch.tv/zealothockey

  • Live streamed match with commentators (including 1 professional voice actor) every Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fri at 6pm Pacific and Sunday at 4pm Pacific
  • Zealot Hockey = most fun game on Starcraft 2 Arcade.  All Arcade maps on SC2 are free to play, just go down SC2 from Blizzard and join in
  • The team that drafted the old man (in the 12th round) is undefeated when he starts for them in net.  Watch them take down the ZHL cup and bring the bm.
  • Join community at zealothockey.net and join zealot hockey group online for inhouses


4K’s = SHUT THE FUCK UP

Greetings my n00bs, it’s me the LORD OF THE 4K’s.

Something needs to be cleared up right now, it’s been an entire 10 months since ranked was released. And yet… AND YET, 4K SHITLORDS ARE STILL TALKING IN RANKED MATCHMAKING. EVEN WORSE, 4K REDDITORS/PERUVIANS ARE FUCKING TALKING? WHAT THE FUCK FAT GABE? COMMUNIST? FUCKING DISGRACEFUL SHIT.

HAVE YOU 4K MONKEYS NOT LEARNED YET? YOU DON’T FUCKING TALK IN RANKED.

Of course any 5-6k player is familiar with the infamous 4k’s and the infamous ’4k flame’. 4k players have a chronic tendency to flame players much better than them (see twitch chat on any pro game) even though they are complete garbage and everything they say is wrong at least 90% of the time. Here’s some advice for you 4k shitcans, anything your brain tells you to do in Dota, do the fucking opposite.

Take a look at this TB, kid was fucking garbage and hes flaming me? ROFL WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. Anyone wanna hazard a guess on his mmr? That’s right kids! 4.6k! Good job fat gabe!

Let me explain this. Let’s take an average game, you’ve got 1, maybe 2 5k’s on each team and then a bunch of 4k apes. The 5k’s are the only ones with any fucking say in the game. If you’re 4k, shut the fuck up and do as you’re told. Do not say anything, accept that you’re absolute fucking garbage and try to learn from your overlords decisions.

Now let’s take a game with 1 5k, 1 6k on each team and the rest 4k’s. These games are like army regiments. The 6k is the Captain, the 5k is his lieutenant and all the 4k trashcans are the fucking privates (aka primates). And what do privates do? They shut the fuck up and do exactly what they’re told, if you talk back to your lieutenant or captain, you get fucking court marshaled. Same shit should apply in Dota. Valve need to remove talking privileges in ranked for all 4k’s.

So kids, if you’re 4k you need to shut the fuck up. Do as you’re fucking told kid and let the grown ups talk. Disgusting dogshit 4k players.

Spooge.

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